APPLE? APPLE MARTINI, MORE LIKE

I think the animals in the woods felt sorry for me, or for the dwarfs. At least, I’m still not sure why they did the household chores everyday while I sat at the kitchen table and got progressively worse off. They had to be. Anyone would be, right? After all, I had lost first my mother and then my father in the space of two years. Of the two, my father’s death was the more painful one – as far as I know, my mother died of natural causes. She was so beautiful – I got lucky with the ebony hair and pale, pale skin she gave me.

Father’s death hit me harder because of that witch that married him and then murdered him. That bitch was so obsessed with herself, she even said that I couldn’t be in the wedding they planned, because she didn’t want to share her happiest day – and my poor father bought it. But good.

After father died, it was clear I wasn’t wanted in the castle any more. So when Jacques came to me with a tale of instructions to drag me out to the New Forest and bring back my heart, I wasn’t surprised. I knew the tables had finally turned against me, and my luck had run out. Kind, kind Jacques let me run – and run I did! Fleeing as far into the forest as I possibly could, I came out the other side a much safer girl. I never knew what he substituted for my heart – a pig, maybe, or horse.

When I reached the far side, there was a road, which I followed to a house, with curtains in the windows, which stood by a pretty little creek, with a bridge. I knocked and knocked, but finally tried the door and went in. I found a bed right away, and guessed that whoever would leave their house wide open wouldn’t deny a tired stranger this bit of hospitality. When I woke up, I found the dwarfs.

“Tired, were you?” asked the cheeriest of the bunch.

“Very. Thank you for your hospitality,” I responded.

“Not at all. If you need a place to stay, you’re more than welcome.”

We worked out a deal in which I could stay as long as I wanted, provided I did the general housework and made them dinner. Considering they were rather messy little fellows and not used to having a lady around, I thought this was a pretty good deal.

As I’m sure you know by now, they consented to let me stay, but not without some dissenting opinions, but mostly with good humor. We settled into a comfortable, if predictable, routine. Which takes me back…

Eventually, after several of the same month, over and over, I was beginning to get tired of the whole thing, to be completely honest. I think it was close to the beginning of February when I went searching for a liquor cabinet for the first time. Winter had been so cold and boring! Nothing to do in the house besides make beds and cook dinner for the night. I only had a little whiskey that day – but it went down like fire and made doing laundry a much more interesting task.

Day after day I became increasingly inebriated – until I got to the pint – I mean, point – where the animals started to take pity on me when the dwarfs started to notice things weren’t being done around the house.

“Snow, where are my clean socks?”

“Snow, what time is dinner?”

All night, every night. It was getting bad, that I couldn’t handle my daily duties. That’s when the animals started to take over my jobs around the house, now that I think about it. They must have been feeling sorry for the dwarfs, not me. Ah well. I wasn’t complaining. I spent my extra free time on the porch with a spiked lemonade.

One long and lonely day that promised to be just like all the others, I was startled out of a stupor by the first peddler I had ever seen stop by the house. It was an old woman, who had pretty string and laces to sell. I let her lace me up, and invited her in for a drink. At that point, I’m not so sure what happened. I know that I was having fun conversing with someone of my own height for once, and then… blank. I was awakened by seven rather concerned dwarfs – sweet of them considering lately, I had hardly been holding up my side of the bargain.

Always one to be ready for excitement, I was constantly on the lookout for another peddler or vendor. A couple of empty and boring weeks later, in the midst of a drunken stupor, another old woman came by. This one had apples. I vaguely knew that the dwarfs hadn’t had fresh fruit in a while, and suddenly thought it might be a great idea to get them some. However, the alcohol had made me a bit paranoid, and I wasn’t sure about the apples. Plus, I was completely drunk and didn’t want to handle money.

“Oh, but these apples are the best in the New Forest! Here, try one for free, and if you like it you can buy more for your little men.”

Funny, I hadn’t told her whom I lived with. Oh well, maybe she noticed the seven small chairs around the kitchen table. I took the apple she was practically forcing into my hand. I ate most of it, but a piece of skin got caught in my throat. I turned around, looking for the old woman, clutching at my neck – but she was gone. The old lady had snuck away while I had turned to get her money. In my haze, I couldn’t even think of what to do – I couldn’t breath, couldn’t think, and couldn’t call out – so I passed out.

I woke up in the arms of the most handsome man I’d ever seen in my life. Finally, someone normal height! He must have stood at least 6 feet, with dark slightly wavy hair, and behind him a beautiful white horse. I wondered if he could smell the alcohol on my breath, but from the way he kissed me, he must not have cared. “Frederick – Fred. Call me Fred. Actually, this isn’t very smooth of me, but I’d really like to marry you.”

I found out later that he was a Charming. Of the Charmings. “Emily Grace,” I told him. “But everyone just calls me Snow White.” As I was handed up onto the horse, I decided it was probably prudent not to ask about the size of the liquor cabinet right away.